


apathy

by werealldreaming



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Gen, Pidge | Katie Holt-centric, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, also i proofread this thing one (1) time, really vague tho, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 11:07:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15169394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/werealldreaming/pseuds/werealldreaming
Summary: Pidge had expected summer break to be easier.It's not.





	apathy

**Author's Note:**

> mind the tags i guess
> 
> also i wrote this in a day with almost no editing so yea

****

Pidge had been looking forward to summer break. Really, she had. She can still remember the stress, the agony of schoolwork. Finals had been even worse. She remembers the way she’d cry at 2 in the morning over her work, and wonders why nothing seems better now.

It’s summer break. Things should be easier now, but Pidge doesn’t feel any better. There shouldn't be any stress. No grades, no tests, no homework. She doesn’t have to study anything. So why does everything feel impossible?

 

* * *

 

It goes like this: she goes downstairs and opens her coding program. She’s got a few projects she wants to work on, that she hasn’t worked on in a while. She opens all of them at once, in different windows. She frowns, clicks between them slowly. She doesn’t type anything.

She opens her social media in a different window. Reads through her chats. Chatting with people online seems to be the only thing she can do, now.  _ Once the hour turns _ , she tells herself.  _ Then I’ll work. _ The hour turns, and she continues to do nothing.

She lies in bed for hours. Some days it’s her bed, when she doesn’t want to get out of bed. More often, she hides in the guest room that’s next to her desk. She doesn’t sleep. Instead, she stares at her phone, scrolling through her phone. She spends a lot of time on chat apps, talking to internet strangers. Sometimes she visits other social medias, but even those she doesn’t pay attention too. Just scrolling, not even bothering to read the words.

Pidge knows she has things to do. Quite a few projects she hadn’t had time for before break. They’re not even all coding projects— there are some things she wants to research, and also a bunch of books sitting on her bookshelf, waiting to be read. There’s a project Matt wants to collaborate with her on, but he hasn’t given many details on it. She remembers promising to work with him on it over the summer, and feels no motivation to ask him about it. Instead, she continues with her  _ (lazy, stupid) _ habits.

Honestly, though, Pidge is exhausted. She doesn’t know why she’s so tired— she’s actually been getting healthy amounts of sleep, and at reasonable times. And yet, even when all she does is lie in bed or sit at her desk all day, all she can think about is sleep. She’s often half-asleep by dinner. Even her parents notice, and they let her go to bed early, though they don’t understand her exhaustion either.

 

* * *

 

It goes like this: she goes to a summer camp. It’s something she had been looking forward to for a while, a camp about engineering and programming and medicine and how they interact. Pidge remembers her excitement, how hard she and her parents had worked to get her into the camp. And yet, she doesn’t feel it when she goes. It’s interesting, it’s fun, and she definitely learns a lot. But the  _ joy _ isn’t there, the excitement that usually comes with her learning. Pidge wonders what’s wrong with her, that she can’t even enjoy something that should be so interesting.

Lance drags her out shopping, once. It’s impromptu, and Pidge has a good time. Really, she does. It distracts her from the way she feels at home  _ (lazy, stupid, useless) _ , and she finds some fun things to buy. But when she gets back home, all she can think about is her exhaustion. All she wants to do is sleep.

One of the only projects she’s worked on is a program for Shiro’s prosthetic arm. And Pidge knows why, too— it’s the only one that will affect another person if she doesn’t do it. And Shiro doesn’t deserve to wait for his arm. So she works as hard as she can.  _ (It’s still not enough.) _ If she’s honest, there are other things that she’s promised others she’d do. Those nag at her, every day. And yet. And yet, she can’t seem to muster the energy. She consoles herself that at least she’s doing this much, at least she’s doing  _ something. _ She’s not satisfied.

Hunk invites her over, once. He cooks some fancy pasta thing, and they eat it on the floor of his room as they work on equations for a robot he’s building. As she leaves, Pidge promises to check over the equations one last time, and finish the ones they hadn’t had time for. It takes almost 2 weeks for Pidge to do so.

 

* * *

 

It goes like this: Matt knows she’s not okay. He doesn’t know the extent of it until Pidge messages him one night, wondering what it would be like to disappear. He enters her room and hugs her tight, and tells her to talk to their parents. Pidge refuses. She knows Matt won’t tell, not if she doesn’t want it. And she doesn't want her parents to worry about her. She’s fine.

Matt doesn’t tell their parents, but he starts dropping very unsubtle hints. Her parents aren’t stupid, they pick up on it pretty quickly. When they ask Pidge about it, her first reaction is denial. Her second is to burst into tears. Little by little, Pidge tells them everything. Their first reaction is to hug her tight. Their second reaction is to start looking into therapists with her.

As she walks in towards the therapist’s office, Pidge smiles. She doesn’t know what’s coming, but she’s almost certain it will be better than what had come before.

**Author's Note:**

> ~~this is 90% what i feel hahaha also i haven't done most of that last section yet~~
> 
>  
> 
> if you relate, please comment? Or say hi on [tumblr](https://ternaryflower53.tumblr.com)


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